m-TequilaSunrise...

... in office. finish shift at 10.30pm. now is 12.15 midnite.

i dont want to go home.

i want to look for a place to stay...

before i lost my mind...

You know there’s people saying when ur loved ones are upset or not in the good mood it somehow affects you?

Ya… it is happening to me.

My heart is aching. Really badly.

It all started by just a small topic. She was suggesting me to learn swimming. And I am a aqua phobic.

History:
When I was kid, another kid. A total stranger. Pushed my head in the water. I panicked. When he/she released my head, and I finally caught my breath, he/she pushed my head down again. That… I really have no idea to forget.

After that incident, there is once, I forget when was it. It was at the swimming pool as well, I was walking along the pool side. And bam, I got pushed at the adult swimming pool where it was really deep. And please, I think I was like, 5? And others, I have no idea how I got out from there.

So ever since, I never want to go to the pool anymore. Even previously, CW asked me to Sunway Lagoon or Desa Water Park, I’ll think twice. And I always keep my distant from the pool side and only go for shallow parts. Yes. I am 24 and I hang around at baby pool.

The other day at Abbie’s BBQ party. I nearly cried out when they were about to dragged me to the pool. My excuse was, I’m having period.

But anyways…

Yes. The root towards our argument. She was suggesting me about this and encouraged me to learn swimming, and I need to overcome my fear. I don’t really like the idea and I’m having PMS. Mood swing. Not good…

She called me during movies with my colleagues. Courtesy by our company. Our company booked the whole hall. So I told her I will call her after movies.

and I called, she asked am I ready to let her go. I said no, of cos not. She said same goes to her. I told her I’ll call her when I arrive office as I still have my colleagues with me heading for dinner.

I arrived office, and after settling down my cases, I text her. She told me to leave her alone.

Why tell me not ready to let go and then asks me to leave her alone? I don’t understand. At the end, I let her be alone. And that was about 11pm. And now is already 2.05am. and I’m practically dying here.

I’ve known u for few months now. And I have never expect to feel so much about u. I know this is painful as we are far apart. However, I’ve let go once, and I’m not letting go again. Unless, you want to. Not because I’m doing whatever you want to to please u. It is because I know it is painful for you and I do not wish to see u in pain.

There’s no such thing as 2nd chance. Why am I so dumb to give my exs 2nd chances whenever they did something wrong?

The agency called me today, regarding my interview with my ex company that I really wish to joined back.

I failed. They rejected me.

All I’m asking for is just another chance to serve the company once more and change my fucking working ethics. And I dun even deserve that chance at all.

Tho I was aware that my records are bad 3 yrs back. And I am well prepared that I might get rejected. But when I got the call, my heart shattered. I cried so hard. Why? Why can’t they just give another chance? They could just fire me if I really didn’t perform. I rather have them to fire me if I didn’t perform rather not giving me any chance to perform.

I’m even crying when typing this.

Michelle… michelle… u look so stupid for crying over some company rejected you… but I couldn’t help it. Just as stupid as, I already know I got bad records, and yet I’m still sending myself in to get rejected. Stupid huh?

If I’m not determined to change myself, why should I be sending myself in to get rejected?